Like many naively optimistic others, I started the new year with a long list of resolutions. Something about 2020 made anything seem possible.
I turned out to be right. Just a few days in, the seemingly impossible happened: he broke up with me. The person who was always supposed to be there simply decided to leave. To me, this was the unimaginable, the unthinkable, the worst case scenario. And in a matter of minutes, it became my reality.
Overnight, a future that had once excited me became my greatest fear. The person who promised me everything was also the one who took it all away. Ideas I’d crafted of next semester, the summer, even after graduation walked right beside him out the door.
Beyond lost, I returned to the note on my phone where I'd listed my goals for the new year: run a mile every day. Start writing a book. Get lunch with someone new every week. But just 3 days in, my New Years resolutions turned into: finish a whole piece of toast. Leave the house without crying. Stand up for an entire shower. Believe it or not, this list felt even more daunting than my original.
I had no choice but to take one day at a time. I wrote it in huge letters on my wall, at the bottom of my class notes, on post-its in the bathroom: EVERY DAY AT A TIME. Thinking about even tomorrow was too big of a feat. I started living moment to moment, dealing with each feeling as it arrived. I got to know sadness, anger, confusion, fear like familiar friends, greeting them as they came and staying patient until they left. I woke up every morning in the midst of a battle to figure out what could make me happy that day.
Shifting from finding happiness in a future I had imagined to actively searching for it right now has been a challenge. We go through life, especially college, with a certain end in mind. Every decision, every struggle, every day we use to get us to this place we've decided we are going - this place we think we need to get to.
But what if that future wasn’t for certain? What if it was taken, stolen from you in a second? Would you still be happy with the way you’re living right now?
Too often I hear people around me insist that they just have to get through this one tough week. But once that week is over, it's the next, and pretty soon the goal becomes just getting through. When did "living" become synonymous with "just getting through"?
Trust me, I'm all for setting goals and working toward them, as you can see from my repertoire of ambitious resolutions. But there is something special about waking up simply for the day ahead. I've found my actions more purposeful, my interactions more meaningful.
So my ultimate resolution for the rest of year, after numerous revisions and edits, is solely to take each moment as it comes. We'll figure out the rest when we get there.
Love,
Emily